Round two

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From my last trip to Sydney

Day 26. The second first week of chemo was, as predicted, rougher than the first. Every symptom was a little tougher—the sore mouth, the cardboard taste, the mood swings, and oh my the exhaustion. Who knew my small frame could hold such exhaustion. I thought I might break apart from it all. But here, on the Friday of the (second) first week, I am emerging from a tunnel and feeling more myself, and I thought I’d give me a reminder of what was most helpful during a difficult week.

A card from friends. Two months ago, I got a present in the mail that had assorted delights, including a card for now and one that said FOR WHEN YOU NEED SOMETHING LATER. The card has been sitting on my desk, the envelope bleaching in the sun since then. Tuesday I needed something for sure, and it was perfect, a beautiful meditation on what it was to go into darkness and the power of knowing depression, sadness, anger. I found it astonishingly comforting and it felt like a gift to have the whispers of friends in my ear. How did you know what I would need next?

Oatmeal with Naomi. Each morning before first light, I’ve been getting up and having just about the only food that has appealed to me all week—steel cut oatmeal with lots of cinnamon and a little maple syrup. And homemade granola. (And the amino acid that is supposed to help my sore mouth.) We sit in the dark and talk about her day and eat warm and gentle breakfast and it feels whole and loving.

Talking with clients or colleagues. On several occasions this week I have headed into a coaching call with a client and I have wondered where I’d get the energy to be fully present for them.  And in every case, I was so much more filled with energy and enthusiasm and life afterward than before I talked with them. I am grateful each day that I love my work and that I have these interesting, smart and wonderful clients.

Essential oils sent with love. Wednesday, the day of the belly shot that really does pull me down, I got a package in the mail from a friend who put together a set of essential oils and mixed me some moisturizing cream to deal with some of the chemo symptoms. I’ve been wearing Cyprus oil (how awesome is it that the oil of one kind of tree is supposed to rebuild the white blood cells that the oil of another tree is dismantling) and touching peppermint to my temples. I might be bald, but I smell fantastic!

Hanging with family. My sister in law Laurie and niece Amanda are here this week, and even though the weather has been horrific, it has been like a warm hug to hear their voices in my house for the first time. They leave tomorrow, and then Dad comes next week and will stay through the worst days of the next first week.

Sinking into a good book. In this case, the one Keith and I have written that’s due—in its final form—to the publisher NEXT month. Geeze. I have big plans for it and not a lot of energy to carry out those plans, but it I am so excited about this book and so proud of it. It gives me energy to just think about reading it (though I often have to take a nap once I’ve read a chapter—I’m hoping this is chemo and it doesn’t happen to others…).

And I could go on.  My daily poem, part of my morning ritual each day as I put yesterday’s poem away and take today’s poem out. Each day a benediction, the marking of a day lived, another step through the chemo. A planning session with Keith for a client gig at the end of June when the next chapter has begun. A walk in the hills with Melissa this morning now that the rain has finally cleared.

Some days it is dark and it’s hard to get up. That used to be true even before the yew juice—surely you have days like that too. But in each case, there are glittering benefits, each of them touched with the sparkle of someone wonderful in my life. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.”

(Ironically, this week I posted more about the chemo experience itself on my work blog. You can check there if you're interested in some of the complexity implications of my chemo day...www.cultivatingleadership.co.nz)