Yogic blessings

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Day 74 ; Round 4, day 11.

I am halfway through the final round. I have not had the belly shot, not had the flu-like symptoms that come from the belly shot, nor the bone pain. I have not (yet?) gotten the rash. Or as many headaches. Or as much eye sensitivity.  My fingernails ache but they are not yet falling off.  The last of my eyelashes have not gone yet (I am grateful each day for the ones that hang on--I am very nearly at full naked mole rat status).  I am peering through the edge of the dark woods and can glimpse the meadow in the distance. I am nearly through.

I want to stop, before I’m out of the dark forest, to look around at the (yew?) trees around me and pay tribute to some of the companions that have brought me through.  One important companion that I haven’t written about is Atmabhava, my yoga teacher.  Early on, Melissa took on the job of finding the right instructor for me to come to my house once or twice a week to give us a private lesson. And so, for the last 12 weeks, Atmabhava has arrived as we’ve been clearing away the living room furniture, and he has taught yoga to us and to whichever guests happened to be here. We have done sun salutations in the sunshine with Dad and Jamie, battled for downward dog space with Dolce and Perry (who think head-butting dog is more fun), practiced tree pose with Laurie, and pushed around prana with Wendy. It has been an anchor of my experience and a key part of what has kept me whole and happy.

I have done yoga in probably ten countries and with maybe 50 different teachers. I have loved Michael in Sydney who does yoga for accountants, and I have hated hot yoga in Seattle and the peppy yoga instructor who loudly cheered us on (there is no cheering in yoga). Atmabhava has us think about yoga in a totally different way than any of those others, and it has been exactly what I’ve needed. His focus is always on the prana, the energy, the breath. We practice with our eyes closed so there is no careful mimicking of the teacher’s perfect pose, no checking out what the beautiful woman next to me can do that I can’t. It’s just my body and my breath and his voice, gently telling me what to do next. And while in the past I have expected yoga to be something of a workout, now I really understand the importance of three different components: the poses, the work with the breath, the deep relaxation.  I don’t honestly know what alternate nostril breathing does for my system, but I know that there has never been a time when I haven’t felt more relaxed and alive after Atmabhava’s yoga than I did before he got here.

This then, is one of the cancer gifts. When I think of this chemo time, my mind will sometimes drift to some of the horrors of it. I think that will be the smallest part of my memory, though. The lingering remnants of this time will be a friend delivering a meal for my family to eat that night. The excited arrival of another beautiful person from somewhere in the world who has come to hold my hand (and usually lament about the weather). Opening another one of Mark’s poems on a new day and feeling the words flow through me. The feel of the sun on my face as I lie in shavasana after a particularly tiring boat pose. When I hold my arms out to capture the gifts, they heap and pile and scatter around me, so many treasures I can’t contain them.

So for you today, one of my favourite recipes. One of the pieces of me I’ve lost to cancer so far is Jennifer-the-baker (although I baked a hell of a birthday cake this week).  White flour and sugar are two ingredients that might be bad for me, but are awfully good for cookies and cakes. I have thrown out endless varieties of healthy cookies (the joke around my house now is that it would be faster if we just put the dough in the compost without baking it to save a step). But these brownies—while not as healthy as some of my baking—are keepers. The darker the chocolate, the better for you, so splurge.

Flourless Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Blondies

Adapted from: Detoxinista.com

Ingredients

• 1 cup natural creamy peanut butter (preferably organic)
• ⅓ cup agave syrup
• 1 whole egg
• 2 teaspoons vanilla
• ¼ teaspoon sea salt
• ½ teaspoon baking soda
• ½ cup dark chocolate chips

Instructions

1. Preheat oven to 350F and grease an 8" square pan with butter or coconut oil.
2. In a small bowl, mix the peanut butter, agave, egg, vanilla, salt and baking soda until well combined, then fold in the chocolate chips.
3. Pour the batter into the greased pan, and use wet hands to smooth the top.
4. Bake at 350F for 17-20 minutes, or until the top is a light golden brown.
5. Let cool, then cut into squares and serve!

Recipe adapted from Detoxinista at http://detoxinista.com/2011/12/flourless-peanut-butter-chocolate-chip-blondies/

 (PICTURES TODAY: My chemo meds card, warming the house now that it has finished its job; a walk near the house that Michael and I took on my birthday; me and a cake loaded with sugar and flour. It was delicious)